I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have aggressive nipples.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize