My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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