I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
