a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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