I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
