How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
