i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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