Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
