So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
