I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
