...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
