Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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