He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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