I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
