Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
