I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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