I puked a lego.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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