the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Randomize
