why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
