I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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