she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
