Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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