Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
