I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize