I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
