found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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