Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
