i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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