Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
