Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
