i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The air taste purple.
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