1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
ok first of all what the fuck
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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