anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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