i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
