return my video game
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
