Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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