Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
