in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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