Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
