you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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