What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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