Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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