Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
