I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sober January is a disaster.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
