I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize