I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
