i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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