Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
