you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize