there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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