It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
No subtext here. People are naked.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
