yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
whose parrot is this?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
