You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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