i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
