The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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