Who did Billy Mays play for?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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