I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
