This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
