I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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