Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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