My liver just broke up with me...
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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