There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We left the knife in your bed.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
