So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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