I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
