Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Never joke about your clitoris.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
