Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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