Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
