I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize