i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
