the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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