To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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