he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
