Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
