I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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