I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
