Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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