Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
